Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
