I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
