You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My feet surprised me
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