Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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