Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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