Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
