a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I didn't notice because vodka
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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