you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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