My liver just broke up with me...
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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