I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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