Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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