I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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