he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
