I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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