Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
