In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
God I need to hump something, right now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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