Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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