i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
