In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
