someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
