i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
