With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
