I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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