Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
me + whiskey = a bad person
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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