Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
