i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
