I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
