I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
