I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
