wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
