This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
