Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
