Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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