Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
