I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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