"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
