Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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