Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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