i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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