the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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