Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
