you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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