The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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