There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
