whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
