pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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