Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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