So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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