He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
