I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
